The Queen Of Chili Corndogs On A Stick
by Red Witch
Summary: Archer and Pam go on a typical bender. Well typical for them.


**Okay I have no idea what I did with the disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters. It's gone. Okay? Don't know where it is. Besides I think everybody here knows the drill by now.**

 **Again more madness that came out of my tiny little mind that takes place after Conversations With Idiots 101. That very same day actually. Only later that afternoon.**

 **The Queen of Chili Corndogs On A Stick**

"It's bad enough you two idiots started a brawl at our office this morning," Lana glared at her boyfriend and Pam. "But to start **another one** at a laser tag place?"

"We can explain," Archer hiccupped. Both he and Pam were sitting on a bench in a security office. They looked disheveled, slightly hung over and had some paint ball splotches on their clothing. Pam had a plastic gold tiara on her head.

"Of course you can," Mallory sighed. "That's the frightening part."

"I don't know why you had to drag me down here!" Cyril snapped. He still had a black eye on his face. "He's **your** boyfriend and **your** son."

"Because you're the head of this agency and Pam is also **your problem** as well as Archer," Lana snapped.

"Well then why is Ray here?" Archer hiccupped.

"I'm just here because I had to hear **this story** ," Ray said. "Whatever it is it's gotta be a doozy. Plus there was nothing to do back at the office…"

"And their story can't be any worse than Cheryl's," Lana conceded.

"Okay so we went to get a drink at a bar after the stupid meeting," Archer explained.

"Shocker," Mallory said dryly.

"And after a few drinks Pam started to get hungry," Archer went on.

"Double shocker," Mallory added.

"And honestly, I felt like I could have a snack myself," Archer admitted. "Plus you know…The bar was kind of getting lame after a few drinks."

"There were no hot chicks there," Pam explained. "And even worse the damn bar wouldn't let us run up a tab when Archer's credit card got declined."

"I have goosebumps all over my body," Mallory said sarcastically. "With all these shocking twists and developments."

"So, after we left…" Archer said.

"Thrown out," Pam said. "By the way we're banned from Judy's Jugs."

"So, after you…" Lana did a double take. "Are you **kidding** me? You went to a strip club?"

"It's technically a bikini bar," Archer corrected. "No stage or anything. Just girls in bikinis serving drinks."

"Is that the one two blocks down across from the donut shop?" Cyril asked.

"No," Archer shook his head. "It's the one three blocks down across from the breakfast burrito place."

"Baja Ben's Burrito Shack?" Cyril asked.

"No, sorry," Archer corrected. "The **other** breakfast burrito place."

"Burritos, Burritos, Burritos?" Cyril asked.

" **That's** the one," Archer nodded. "Anyway, as we left Pam noticed this sign."

"It was for a contest at Pink's this afternoon," Pam explained. "An amateur chili corndog on a stick eating contest!"

"Not to be confused with the **professional** chili corndog on a stick eating contest," Archer added. "At Big Bubba's Burger and Burrito Barn next week."

"Hang on," Mallory did a double take. "A chili corndog on **a stick?"**

"It's a corndog with spicy chili meat under the batter," Pam explained. "But over the hot dog."

"And eating these things on a stick is a **thing?** " Mallory was stunned.

"Eating a lot of different kinds of foods are a thing," Pam said. "Like chicken wings, popcorn shrimp, cocktail shrimp, hamburgers, ham sandwiches, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches…"

"Burritos," Archer added.

"And of course, hot dogs," Pam added. "It's called a professional eating circuit. Man that would be the life."

"I'm going to take a guess," Ray sighed. "Judging by the tiara Pam's wearing that she won."

"Damn right I did," Pam grinned. "Forty-six chili corndogs on a stick. Would have been forty-seven but one dog slipped out of my mouth."

"Phras…" Archer began. "Does that count as phrasing?"

"It would if she said buns," Cyril shrugged.

"So basically, Pam won an award for eating a light snack," Mallory said sarcastically. "By her standards anyway."

"I had six corndogs!" Archer said proudly. He then belched loudly.

"For you that is a record," Ray admitted. "With solid foods anyway."

"I knew I wasn't going to win but I figured what better way to get free corndogs?" Archer shrugged.

"They crowned me the Queen of The Chili Corndogs on a Stick!" Pam said proudly.

"Wonderful," Mallory said sarcastically. "Once again gluttony is rewarded."

"I also won five hundred smackers," Pam added.

"Then again America is the land of opportunity!" Mallory brightened. "Where one can use the gifts God gave them to make a fortune!"

"Don't bother," Archer waved. "We spent it already."

"Of course, you did," Cyril groaned. "On **what?"**

"Well more alcohol to celebrate for one thing," Archer shrugged.

"I had to buy a round for my fellow competitors," Pam said. "Well the ones that didn't have to be taken to the hospital."

"It was more like two or three rounds," Archer shrugged. "At Beer and Burritos."

"Then we decided to do something fun with the rest of the prize money," Pam added.

"Something more fun than sharing it with your co-workers?" Lana asked.

"Duh!" Pam said. "We decided to come here to the Shootin' Shack. LA's finest paintball and laser tag shooting gallery."

"Which is right across from Binky's Big Burritos," Archer added.

"Man, there are a **lot** of places to get a burrito in this town," Cyril admitted.

"Long story short we decided to play some paintball," Archer went on. "Unfortunately, we kind of went through the wrong door."

"And you ended up shooting paintballs in the laser tag section!" A middle aged balding security guard snapped. His clothes were covered in paint and his name tag said SCOTT.

"To be fair Scott," Archer said. "This cannot be the first time something like this has happened."

"Yeah, the laser tag door is right out there connecting the paintball section," Pam agreed. "You should have a sign or something."

"WE DO!" Scott snapped. "SEVERAL OF THEM! BIG ONES! INCLUDING ONE ON THE DOOR!"

"Well we didn't bother to read them," Archer snorted. He pulled out a bottle from somewhere and started to drink.

"Too drunk is more like it," Lana groaned.

"I was right," Ray remarked. "It was a doozy. Still not crazier than Cheryl's story though."

"These idiots caused several thousand dollars' worth of damage!" Scott snapped. "Well maybe not several thousand. More like maybe a thousand or two. I know it's more than a couple of hundred. It's a lot okay!"

"I'm amazed you two didn't run off," Ray said to Pam and Archer. "How did you let yourselves get caught by **this guy?** No offense Scott."

"None taken," Scott sighed. "I'm as surprised as you are. Usually people do get away from me."

"Well we were kind of drunk," Archer snorted.

"And we figured it was better to call you guys to pick us up than drive," Pam added. "Safety first!"

"No drinking or driving!" Archer said. "See Lana, I'm becoming more responsible."

"You're **something** all right," Lana glared at him. "Responsible…no. That's not it."

"And there is no alcohol allowed at this establishment!" Scott snapped. "For obvious reasons."

"Dumb reasons," Archer shrugged.

"This is the **second time** she's come here disrupting this place!" Scott snapped as he pointed at Pam.

"Second?" Lana asked.

"The first time was a week ago," Scott told her. "With her **other** little friend."

FLASHBACK!

"Say hello to my little friend!" Pam whooped as she fired her paintball gun at the terrified players. "Little friend say hello back!"

"HELLO!" Cheryl cackled madly as she fired her own paintball weapon.

FLASHFORWARD!

"Oh yeah…" Ray winced. "We know her."

"Unfortunately," Cyril sighed. "Let me guess, the Figgis Agency is banned from this place am I right?"

"That depends," Scott said. "Do you have an Algernop Krieger working for you?"

"Define working," Cyril gulped.

"What did he do?" Lana sighed.

"Let's just say it involves a robot bear, some kind of weird hologram and a glowing radioactive pig making a mess everywhere," Scott grumbled. "And a small live octopus."

"That is disturbing," Cyril winced.

"Very disturbing," Scott said. "So yes, **your entire agency** is banned just to be on the safe side!"

"Fine," Lana groaned. "Can we just take our idiots home?"

"Please!" Scott snapped. "And expect a bill for the damages in the mail!"

"I _always do_ ," Mallory groaned. "I hope you idiots are proud of yourselves!"

"We are," Archer grinned.

" **Are** you?" Cyril snapped. "Not only did you get us banned from another place in town…"

" **Two** places," Archer corrected. "Don't forget Judy's Jugs."

" **Three** places," Pam corrected. "I kind of left an upper decker in Big Binky's Burritos' bathroom. Don't look at me like that. Those chili corndogs had to come out sometime!"

"But you wasted another day as well as costing our already debt ridden agency thousands of dollars!" Cyril shouted. "What part of our agency is pretty much broke do you people **not** understand?"

"Core concept?" Archer asked.

"Archer, Pam…" Cyril growled.

"It was bad enough you started a brawl in the office..." Mallory began.

"Technically Ms. Archer you started it too," Pam interrupted.

"Yeah!" Archer agreed.

"SHUT UP!" Mallory shouted.

"How is our agency supposed to make any money if you two idiots keep getting us banned and or blacklisted from all over town?" Lana snapped. "At this rate we're never going to have any clients or money!"

"No, but we have some damn good stories," Pam grinned.


End file.
